


Sometimes Maybe Words Do Speak Louder Than Actions

by StrappingYoungLass



Series: Words Over Actions Universe [1]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Nora Reid, Blood, Canon Autistic Character, Canon Compliant, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Hurt Toni, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, OOC for everyone cause I don't swear, Panic Attacks, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Whump, heck if i know how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:13:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29187621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrappingYoungLass/pseuds/StrappingYoungLass
Summary: "Toni!" Pure fear gripped Shelby's heart. Her knees felt weak, and she could feel the cold sweat bead on her forehead.The cliff couldn't have been more than 8 meters. Even then, Shelby had rolled down a hill, and still managed a head wound.Feeling her lungs constrict, breaths coming out in short pants, she couldn't move. Couldn't breathe, couldn't freaking breathe. Her vision tunneled, edges blacking out as she focused only on the point where Toni went over.
Relationships: Background Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Series: Words Over Actions Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184990
Comments: 41
Kudos: 233





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure where this would go, but we're gonna say it's a day after 1x06. OOC for everyone cause I don't swear. We're just gonna say, "You're on the right track" like every English teacher ever when it comes to canon storyline.
> 
> TW: blood, bodily fluids, thoughts of self-harm, talk of death, internalized homophobia, homophobia in general

"Toni!" Pure fear gripped Shelby's heart. Her knees felt weak, and she could feel the cold sweat bead on her forehead.

The cliff couldn't have been more than 8 meters. Even then, Shelby had rolled down a hill, and still managed a head wound.

Feeling her lungs constrict, breaths coming out in short pants, she couldn't move. Couldn't breathe, couldn't freaking breathe. Her vision tunneled, edges blacking out as she focused only on the point where Toni went over.

A harsh sob escaped her, the noise jarring her back into focus. Willing her feet to move, Shelby stopped at the ledge. Her first thought would be that she would see Toni's mutilated body at the end of the short hill. The reality wasn't much better.

"Dot! Leah! Anybody! Help!" Her voice cracked on the pure fear racing through her system. Her hands were shaking so hard, that if she had been holding a drink it would've spilled. "Somebody, please help!"

Two girls raced around the corner of the bend: Dot and Rachel. Leah, Fatin, and Martha not far behind. Once the first two got close enough to see, their steps faltered, coming to a complete stop as shock of the situation set in.

"What happened?" Shelby couldn't answer Dot's question. Both by truly not knowing, and that her breaths were still too shallow, and she was getting dizzy with the lack of oxygen.

When the first set of hands touched her she spasmed so hard her knees buckled. She could feel the skin on her right leg split, could feel the blood flow, pooling against her calf. Yet it was all muted, she couldn't truly feel it, couldn't get herself to feel anything then pure fear for Toni.

"She's in shock. Rachel and Fatin, go grab some branches and vines. Leah, stay with Shelby, and Martha go grab the neck brace. I'm gonna see if I can get down to her." If she could, Shelby would've been amazed by how easily Dot switched into the leadership position. All those stupid wilderness survival shows must have really just clicked for her.

Tentative hands touched her shoulders again, softer this time. Her breath hitched, stomach rebelling as bile rose to her throat. It's ironic, not even a day after people had a real reason for puking, and here Shelby goes. Only one not to eat those stupid mussels, and she can't even hold it in normally.

"Shh, Shelby. It's okay," Leah tries to soothe, but the blonde doesn't hear her. Can't hear anything over the sound of her own heart in her ears.

She's crying, hot, wet tears sliding down her face as her breathing worsens. "Shelby you're having a panic attack, you need to calm down."

_But she can't, she can't, she can't._

The next time she blinks she's on the ground, staring up towards the canopy with Leah's face hovering in the background. She thinks she threw up again, but she can't tell.

"-elby! Shelby! Gosh you dumb freaking blonde, look at me!" Leah's panicked voice fills her ears. Shelby blinks, allowing her eyes to lock onto the brunettes. She sees the other girl sigh and all her muscles lose some of their tension. "Good, good, we're gonna keep you laying down, but keep your eyes on me."

It's always easier said than done.

Her eyes roam, going from Leah, to the top of the canopy again, to her own hands, clutching at the dirt. It's only when she sees the blood on her knee does she remember and panic washes over her again.

"No, no, Shelby, eyes on me. Eyes on me!" Her heart back in her ears, the blonde can't hear. She's shaking, moving like she's going to get up before Leah's hands stop her.

_She can't breathe, she can't breathe, she can't breathe!_

The hands on her shoulders cause her to panic more, and she retches, her empty stomach clenching on nothing. She's sobbing, desperate breaths clawing their way in and out, hands scrabbling in the dirt as an attempt to ground herself in any way.

_She's losing it, she's losing it, she's losing i-_

A sharp pain in her cheek brings her back to the present. Leah's eyes are wide and scared; still holding a tiny flame of anger as she looks down at the blonde.

"You need to calm down." Her tone leaves no room for argument and Shelby stutters out a gasp. "I want you to try and hold your breath, Shelby."

The blonde tries, oh how she tries. Her lungs burn, and she feels more tears leak from the corners of her eyes as she squeezes them shut.

"I know it hurts, but you gotta try." Leah's voice is softer now. Now that she sees the blonde trying to calm down.

Shelby's chest stutters, an uneven rising and falling as she attempts to hold her breath. Something she's done millions of times without problem before, and she can't do it.

"I can't," the blonde gasps out, her first words in minutes. They're hoarse, grating up her throat. "I can't, I can't, I can't-"

"You can, Shelby. You can and you will, cause if you want to help Toni, you have to help yourself first," Leah chastised, cutting off the slurred, broken mumble.

_Toni, Toni, Toni._

She watches another tear slide down the other girls face, the perfect picture of pain painted clearly across her features.

"Try to hold your breath again, Shelby." The blonde finally manages to hold it. A short, two second moment before her chest stutters on a sob. "That was good, do it again."

Slowly, so painfully slowly, Shelby manages to hold her breath for eight seconds.

"Come on, you can get to ten. Get to ten, and then we can see how we can help," Leah's voice has transferred back to the soft tone. Like a mom comforting her child.

The blonde is the older one of the two, and she's sitting here, sobbing her eyes out. The thought is humiliating.

"...nine, ten. Good, Shelby, that's good," the brunette doesn't sound proud; she doesn't sound angry either. She just sounds tired. They're all tired, tired of this bullcrap island, and tired of not knowing when someone is going to snap.

"We're gonna sit you up," Leah explains, hands gently going around the shorter girls back. She's hit by a wave of nausea as soon as she's sitting, and she sways; the hands keep her upright.

"When you're ready, we're gonna stand." She still feels shaky and weak, like a newborn fawn, just barely learning to walk. It's only the thought of Toni that she finally manages to get to her feet.

Rachel and Fatin have managed to find enough supplies to build a makeshift stretcher. Two thick branches tied together with vines making up the bottom, hopefully strong enough to make it back to camp.

***

Shelby felt disconnected from the world. Her heart beat loudly in her ears, but she doesn't think it ever stopped. She can't stop the way her hands shake, the way she wants nothing more than to take Toni's place.

Toni, who could actually help. Toni, who was physically strong enough to do what needed to be done around camp. Toni, who knew herself and took crap from no one. Toni, who she- who she cared for more than she would like to admit.

The last part was painfully obvious to the group. After Shelby's meltdown on top of the cliff nobody bothered her. They just left her alone on her little corner of the beach, away from everyone. Left her alone to her thoughts and prayers.

Oh, if only her father could see her now. She'd be disowned the moment she was back on concrete. Doesn't matter what she's been through. "He is in so much pain, Shelby...there isn't going to be a place for him here."

The words feel like a lifetime ago. They weren't said with any edge of anger or venom, but they still cut deep enough to scar. She could still feel the hate radiating off of her father as he said them.

Squeezing her eyes shut at the sudden onslaught of emotion, she can't stop a tear from tracing its path down her cheek. The only pain she's in is her thoughts for Toni.

Toni with her bright eyes and smile. Toni who makes people laugh without effort. Toni who's everything Shelby could never be.

The crunching of sand behind her makes her turn. She's not sure who she was expecting, but it wasn't Fatin.

The other girl groans as she sits, complaining about, _"dumb lesbians making her do things."_ Shelby knows it's a joke, knows it's meant to lighten up the mood, but she can't muster enough energy to let it.

Fatin can tell her joke fell on deaf ears. The blonde's eyes had a glassy quality to them, looking like they'd seen too much, yet still so little.

The other girls knees are pulled up to her chest, arms crossed over each other. Fingers dig harshly into the denim jacket she wears, knuckles white in an attempt to stop them from shaking.

"She's going to be okay." Words so commonly said. Said without care, without real depth. They held about the same status as, "I'm fine," in terms of the blonde believing them.

"You don't know that." She doesn't mean for the words to come out as harshly as they do. Years worth of resentment and shame, pushed out because of something she couldn't control.

Fatin just sighs, giving up trying to talk. Her arm carefully slides over the blonde's shoulders, feeling the girl tense beneath her, but not pull away. She gently tugs, silently communicating for the other girl to come closer.

Feeling the rest of her walls break, Shelby allows herself to be pulled in. Feels the floodgates she so carefully repaired break. She's shaking, gasping on words she doesn't even know. The brunette takes it all in stride, shushing her and wrapping her other arm around her.

"You're right," she starts after a few minutes, "I don't know. I don't know if Toni will be okay, but you're always going on about staying hopeful."

"Not feeling very hopeful at the moment." Fatin just sighs, pulling the blond impossibly closer.

"I don't think any of us are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I really don't know what I'm doing with this fic. It'll probably be around three to four chapters.
> 
> The story will include stuff from the show, but it'll be in different places. Mainly for plot.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leah's character scared me. So, here I am making her less scary.
> 
> Fair warning, since this was mostly written in class, it's gonna be like any and all of my homework. Aka I don't know what mistakes you'll get and you're just gonna have to deal.
> 
> Same trigger warnings as last chapter

Three days, three freaking days of Toni regaining consciousness, only to pass out again, minutes later.

Shelby caught the other girls mouth moving in her sleep on numerous occasions. There was nothing coherent, just the occasional grunt or groan. It was honestly the lack of actual words that got to the blonde.

Toni was always the loud one, always the one cracking jokes, or just being pissed off at somebody. Even in this near-comatose state the girl had been restless, hardly staying still.

Everyone was tense, always waiting for that moment when the brunette would finally leave them. Always waiting to wake up one morning, and be down another girl.

They had barely known Jeannette, but her death had still affected everybody in some way. Toni's would be like a knife to the gut none of them could remove.

They assigned times for people to monitor her. Silently adding it to their list of jobs to do. More often than not, the tiny shelter would have upwards of four girls. Shelby, Martha, and Fatin all holding a near constant vigil.

Shelby prayed, prayed for so long her cross made a permanent imprint in her palm, prayed that even if she couldn't be saved, then at least God could save Toni.

It took three days, three days for Toni to open her eyes for longer than a minute. She had groaned, her pupils dilated to tiny pin pricks, before her face crumpled in pain.

Her hands twitched, fingers flexing and unflexing like she didn't have enough strength to make a full fist. Shelby immediately grabbed her left hand; Marty grabbing the right.

They both held her hands when she started crying, when she couldn't seem to get enough air, when Dot finally used one of the two Ambien injections they found in the pilots bag.

Why the pilot had needed medication for insomnia, none of the girls could guess.

"It's going to take a minute to work," Dot explains, her voice shaking slightly. "She'll get drowsy after about half an hour, and with the state she's in it wouldn't surprise me if she passed out before that."

The world faded after that. All the blonde could focus on was Toni's face. Focus on the pain so clearly written on the other girls features. Focus on the way her breath would hitch every few seconds.

Ignoring the look Martha was surely giving her, the blonde passed her unoccupied hand over the brunettes hair. The girl twitched, more tears slipping from the side or her eyes.

"It's all right, Toni," Shelby whispered, lightly raking her nails against the girls scalp. "You're alright." There's a light squeeze against her hand and she smiles.

She knows the other girl is getting irritated. She can hear it in the huffs of breath the girl releases, can feel it in the way her hands clench over and over.

"Shh, Toni, it's alright. You're not missing anything." It's not a complete lie. Most jobs had been done. Most the girls were just sitting around the fire. Most of their energy going towards making sure nobody's lost it.

She hears Martha stand, hesitate a moment on her feet before ultimately walking away. It's like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

Ever since Toni's first near death experience four days earlier, Shelby had been struggling. For someone she was supposed to hate, seeing her lying there, dying, had messed her up more than she ever cared to admit.

It wasn't that the other girls weren't important. It was just, Toni somehow knew all the right buttons to press, knew how to get under her skin and burrow, knew how to get her riled up with a simple gesture.

Her train of thought goes to Becca. How she willingly destroyed her best friends heart just to save her own sorry skin. It didn't even matter now, did it? Here she was, willingly allowing herself to fall for this stupid girl.

Shelby's not sure of the basketball players upbringing, but she can assume it wasn't great. From what she gathered, Martha wasn't just a best friend. More of a sister to the other girl.

The thought makes her laugh, just a light huff of air that makes Toni's eyebrows furrow. The blonde's hand somehow finds a place against the girls temple, rubbing her thumb lightly against the sunburned skin.

"Sorry, sorry, just thinking about how you and Martha could not be anymore different if you tried," she explains gently. It gets a grumble out of the brunette. Just a light noise in the back of her throat, but Shelby'll take it. It's more than what she had been given in the past three days.

"Oh, shut up, it's a funny thought." This time, Toni lets out a huff of her own. More out of what the blonde hopes is joking annoyance. "So, you're allowed to be funny, but I'm not?" All she gets in response is a noise of agreement. "Piss off."

She's sure Toni would be cackling by now. For only knowing the girl for sixteen days, -thirteen if you don't count the three the brunettes been down- she feels she knows her pretty well.

Martha gets most of the credit, trusting Shelby enough to share surface level things about the basketball star.

Like how Toni cannot stand strawberry ice cream. How her favorite WNBA star is Diana Taurasi from the Phoenix Mercury, even though she's a ride or die fan of the Minnesota Lynx. How, even though she'll deny it to the day she dies, she is a sap for romance movies.

"You know, I've never understood why people still think of _Romeo and Juliet_ as the all-time classic romance. It was a two day thing that killed six people." The brunette let's out another sound, this one sounding more amused than the last. "You know I'm right. Like even _The Crucible_ has more love in it and the whole thing starts because of an affair."

She's not sure how well versed the brunette is on classic literature, but from what Martha has shared, Toni's a huge nerd. Especially in anything English or space related.

At the next series of grumbles, -clearly disagreeing with the blonde- Shelby can't help but picture the brunette arguing with a teacher about the meaning behind books. "Oh, let me guess, you're more of a _Hamlet_ type of person."

At that, Toni lets out what can only be described as the most offended noise the blonde has ever heard. It has her laughing, full on laughing as the other girl continues to let out annoyed grumbles .

"Fine, not a huge Shakespeare fan I'm guessing. I'm gonna ask Martha if you're more into Leo Tolstoy or Jane Austen." If she had to guess, she'd say Toni is more inclined to the latter.

When she fails to get a response, Shelby looks over. The brunette is clearly asleep. Her face has smoothed out again, fingers no longer twitching in the loose hold the blonde has on them.

It shouldn't affect her as much as it does, but even that small moment where Toni responded had made her realize how much she missed the other girl.

It's stupid, she's right there, laying on the beach, but she's not really there. There's no constant bickering or arguing, no times when Shelby debates kissing her just to have her shut up. The thought makes her heart clench. She didn't even know where it came from.

That's a lie.

She knows exactly where the thought comes from. She'd been thinking it ever since the stupid pill incident. Even before then, the first time the brunette challenged her. Before she took a branch to the face and split her head open on a rock.

If she's being honest, she'd rather take that fall everyday, then have to sit here with the unconscious girl. Because even if they were enemies, even if they were arguing, even if Toni hated her... at least she was there.

Gosh, when did she become such a sap? Her whole life she thought she had to be this perfect, Christian, straight girl. But then Becca had shown up. Becca had shown up and she poisoned that, just like she always did. And Becca... Becca was all things good in the world. She was everything Shelby could never be.

The thought feels cloying. It feels like it's choking her. Feels like it's been choking her ever since their kiss in her bedroom.

She's spiraling again. Spiraling against her own sin, her own filth. The serpent tempted Eve with the apple and she took it. Even when God told her it was wrong. That she would be cut out. That she would be a sinner.

But... wasn't that the point? If Eve hadn't eaten the apple -hadn't pulled Adam into it as well- would any of them even exist?

She's too exhausted to really think about it. Too exhausted for anything really. Looking back towards the rest of the group, she catches Fatin's eyes. The other girl is looking at her like she's this gigantic puzzle that she just can't quite solve.

If only she knew Shelby feels the same way.

Standing suddenly, the blonde walks towards the girl. She feels dirty, shameful, unworthy of being there at all.

"I'm going for a walk. One of you needs to watch Toni." She doesn't know if she's glad that her voice didn't crack. Because maybe she needs somebody to see that she's losing it. Needs somebody to see that her _perfect_ _Christian_ act is just a facade. A facade she's hid behind for years. She needs somebody like...

..Like Toni.

Toni who would call her out on her bullcrap before she could even attempt to open her mouth. Toni who could somehow see the real her. The her that was afraid of messing up, of being an imperfect human, of being...

It doesn't even matter. They're going home soon. The plane made sure of that. Soon she'll be back in Texas, won't have to worry about any of these people, won't have to worry about however she feels about the injured brunette.

The thought doesn't comfort her.

She doesn't look back to see if anyone has done what she said. All she can focus on is getting as far away from the camp as possible. As far away from her sins as she can.

She pretends she doesn't know she can't. Pretends to know that all she is and all she ever has been is sin. Pretends that if she can't see the girls, then she's not doing anything wrong.

***

It's dark by the time she gets back, arms full of whatever sticks she could find. The fire casts a dull glow on everything, both too dark and too bright at the same time. There's only two girls still up. She thinks it's Dot and Leah.

Looking closer, she can see Fatin sprawled out over Leah's lap. The thought makes her sick.

Why do those two get to be happy? Get to figure out themselves without pressure from the entire world? Why.... just why? Why any of this? Why test these girls? Why decide that the eight of them need to be tested in this way?

She drops the sticks as quietly as she can. Even then, Fatin still stirs, turning more into Leah's side. The other girl doesn't seem to be uncomfortable, just moves to run her hand through dark hair.

She knows she's staring. Knows she needs to look away before she gets called a bigot again. She knows this, but she can't help but notice how... at _peace_ the two look.

Dot's giving her a weird look out of the corner of her eye. Ready to call her out at a moment's notice. Shelby just sighs, shaking her head. She can only hope none of them take that wrong.

She's not sure how to dig herself out of this hole. Not sure how to get the girls to trust her again. Not sure how to explain to all of them that she doesn't _hate_ gay people. That she only hates herself for being gay.

She can't admit it to any of them. Can't get the words to come out, because then it's suddenly real. It's suddenly something she can't take back. She can't sign it off as a joke and say, _"just kidding,"_ when everyone undoubtedly looks at her weird. It'll just cause more problems.

Not only would she be a homophobe, but she'd be one who makes fun of gay people by going for the jugular. She's not sure anybody would talk to her after that.

So, she steps away. Away from the fire, away from everybody else. Nobody has to be involved in her self-depricating pity party.

It's only when she realizes she's holding scissors, that there's clumps of matted blonde hair on the sand, that Dot's pinning her arms to her chest. It's only then, when she realizes she's truly lost it.

She doubts that she ever truly had _anything_. Her whole life had been nothing but a lie. Nothing had truly been hers and it never would be. Nothing except how crazy she actually was.

She doesn't feel when Dot's arms release her. Doesn't feel the sand as her hands claw at it. Doesn't feel the tears streaming down her face.

All she can feel is that deep, stabbing pain within her chest. The type of pain that doesn't ever truly go away, even when you don't remember how it came to be. Oh, but she does, she remembers it clearly.

She remembers sitting on her dad's lap, listening to him as he reads the story of Adam and Eve to her. She'd heard it hundreds of times before, knows how the serpent temps the pair, starting with Eve.

She knows what happens, knows that the two of them had been thrown out of God's light. How they were sinners. How God didn't love them anymore.

She remembers a different time, years later, sitting in her 3rd period science class. She remembers how she thought Mandy Wilkes looked very pretty that day. How she would have loved to hold her hand.

Her dad had been fuming after that. Not outwardly, never outwardly. All he said was, "God doesn't want you to hold other girls hands, Shelbs." She remembers immediately regretting having said anything.

So, she kept it to herself. Every thought, every feeling, every urge, pushed it so far down that light would never touch it. But it came to a point where her entire being was consumed by this darkness, consumed so fully that her father's light could never get rid of it.

Thinking back on it now, her father's light had always been muted. It had never been as bright as Martha's, never been as large or inviting as Dot's, had never made her feel safe like Toni's.

But then she remembers sitting on her bedroom floor. Laughing and joking about her next pageant performance. She remembers that stupid sharpie. Remembers the moment she leaned in and kissed her.

It was like a veil had been lifted. That short, less than two second kiss had shown her so much more about herself then she ever thought possible.

But of course all good things must come to an end. She feels guilt claw it's way up her throat. Feels the way her windpipe refuses to allow air in.

Because of her, the goodness that was Becca Gilroy had ended. Because if Shelby was good in any way, God would've taken her instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me tell you, as a gay Christian it is very cool to me that Shelby Goodkind exists. Y'all probably think she's an over the top Christian, but her character is fairly accurate to how it is (except for pageants cause those are gross). 
> 
> Also, if you've noticed a lack of Rachel, that's cause I can't write a character that angry and have it be believable. Nora just isn't here cause she rarely says anything anyway (autism just sometimes works that way). Oh, and then I don't know how to write Martha's character.
> 
> I'm disappointed in the entire fandom for just letting Shelby say she was a theatre kid and not saying anything about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously dislike this chapter. I've just been super busy with lacrosse so, here's this bullcrap.

The next two days were better. The others trusted Shelby enough to let her wander on her own. She doesn't go far, mainly just around to where their original camp used to be.

She doubts there will be much in terms of stuff they haven't found already, but it never hurt anybody to try.

Searching around the rocks brings up nothing but an old, dirty, brown jacket. It's soaked through, dripping with sea water. She has half a mind to leave it, but decides against it. A jackets a jacket out here. Plus, they can always dry it.

The second thing she finds is a bit more exciting. It's a simple black and yellow duffle bag. The edges of the handles are frayed, the white letters on the front peeling off.

The side pocket is slightly open. Just enough for Shelby to see a flash of something bright orange. Unzipping the pocket the rest of the way, she realizes it's a pill bottle.

She knows she doesn't have a right, knows she shouldn't read the label, but she can't help herself. "Paxil... Toni Shalifoe."

Well... crap.

She's surprised she doesn't break the bottle with the force she uses to get it back in the pocket. Her hands are shaking as they grab the zipper. It takes her two times until she can finally get it closed.

As if it'll erase what she's already seen.

This is Toni's bag, those are Toni's pills, and... oh gosh, she's going to be sick.

She knows Dot requires everything they find to be given for inventory. Whatever they can use should be accounted for. But prescribed medication? Medication for anxiety and depression? That feels more personal than the bottle of lube Fatin packed.

At least the girl actually admits to using it. Shelby doesn't think she's heard Martha or Toni talk about the latter's anxiety or depression once.

Opening the pocket again, she grabs out the pill bottle. It seems full, like it was just recently prescribed. It's not her place, but she's curious what the story behind it is. Knowing the basketball player, it's probably kept under wraps for a reason.

By the end of her exploration she finds another bag. This one stuck up in a tree. How none of them saw it, she has no idea. It's bright pink and has buttons and pins covering almost the entirety of it.

She decided to opt out of checking that one. She doesn't want to pry into anyone else's private life, no matter how close they are or aren't.

***

It's still early when she gets to camp. Early enough that only she, Martha, and Rachel are up. The diver is staring into the flames of the fire, not blinking. Shelby doesn't even want to guess what's going through her head.

Luckily, Martha notices her. She beckons her closer, holding up a bag in each hand. The girl scrambles up, muttering something to Rachel, but the other girl is so lost in thought she doesn't even react.

"Before you say anything," the blonde starts, once the other girl is close enough, "I just want you to know, I won't tell anyone." The shorter girl just looks at her, confused. In hindsight that's not the best way to start this conversation, but it's too late now.

"About... you know." But Martha doesn't know, and if the look she's giving the blonde doesn't convey it enough, she won't know unless she quits beating around the bush.

But Shelby's never been good with words. So, she drops the pink backpack onto the sand and opens up the side pocket of the other. Brown eyes widen in understanding before she's slamming her hands down on the zipper.

Martha stands there, hands still on the bag. The blonde can see the debate going on in the other girls head. So, she's surprised when the first words the girl says are, "she's not crazy."

"Excuse me?"

"She's not crazy," it's rushed, a hint of panic lacing the words, like Shelby could ever fault another person for needing meds. "She just... her last girlfriend.." the brunettes hands clench on the bag, clearly wanting to say something, but not wanting to betray Toni's trust.

The blonde doesn't want to say that Toni isn't crazy, doesn't want to make it seem like it was ever debatable. So, she settles on, "hey, whatever business she has going on, I'm not gonna ask."

The brunette let's out a sigh in what Shelby could only call relief. Her hands loosen against the bag now. They're shaking as they open the zipper and take the pill bottle out. But neither pay it any mind.

It's only after she slips it into her pocket that Martha notices the jacket also clasped in the blonde's hand. "Holy crap."

"What?"

"You found it!" She's not sure what she's found. It just looks like any old jacket to her. But it clearly means more to Martha than she thought. "Toni's been moping about it for the entire time we've been here."

Clearly she's missing something. It's obvious this jacket is Toni's, that this bag is Toni's, but what she can't understand is why the heck Martha acts like she's hung the stars for finding it.

Something on her face must've shown her confusion, because the brunette starts into explaining it to her. "It's her mom's, -bio mom's- jacket. It was the last thing she ever gave Toni before being shipped off to rehab."

That... makes sense actually. Hearing the confirmation of the basketball player being a foster kid clears a lot of things up. For one it explains why she's so angry all the time, why she scans the room, looking around for any way she can slip away.

***

Slowly but surely their little pile of supplies is growing. The bag is still dripping wet, but she'll let Dot handle it. As for the jacket, she drapes it over one of the logs to dry.

"Where'd all that come from?" Rachel's sudden question causes Shelby to jump. Her tone wasn't accusatory. It just sounded tired.

"From around the old camp. I think the tidal surge had something to do with it." The other girl nods, looking back down at the fire. Her eyes are bloodshot and exhausted. "Hey, Rachel, are you okay?"

The girls eyes seem to snap back up to hers. Almost like she forgot she was there. "Yeah, yeah. Just tired." And honestly that's believable. They've all been trying their hardest. Trying to make living here a bit easier.

"Alright, well, if you need someone to switch you today, I'm willing." The other girl shoots her a grateful smile. She's not sure Rachel'll accept or not. The other girl was stubbornly determined in a way Shelby would never understand.

***

Day twenty is miserably hot. Hot enough that sweat forms while sitting in the shade. Hot enough that she would rather be stuck in a Texas heatwave. At least then it's a hit or miss with humidity.

"I am literally swimming in my sweat." Fatin's complaint gets a wave of groaned agreement from the group, all of whom are sprawled out across the sand.

The only person not here is Rachel, who said she was going to the waterfall to cool off. That was a few hours ago at this point and she can tell some of the girls are debating braving the heat to join her.

She's not, not when Toni is sweating so much that she had to get Martha's help to take her tank top off. Not when she can see the edges of the crude bandage across her ribs are wet.

She doesn't know how to help her. Doesn't know to make it better. Doesn't know how to stop feeling so useless.

"I can hear your self-hating monologue from here." It's Dot. She's got Fatin's suitcase in her hands and Shelby can hear water sloshing around. "And frankly, we don't need another meltdown. So, either you help me wet whatever t shirt we've got, or you go sit by everyone else."

"Shelby!" She startles, only now realizing she zoned out without giving the other girl a response. She can feel her cheeks warm. She hopes the sunburn on her face covers up her embarrassment.

Grabbing one side of the case, she ignores Dots muttered, "gee, thanks for the help." It wouldn't do any good to let if affect her. They're all on edge, a mixture of the heat of the day, and having spent twenty days just trying to survive.

Luckily, they keep all their clothes in the shelter. She doesn't think she could leave long enough to actually gather more than maybe two shirts. Her reason not completely based on the heat.

She hears Dot mutter a curse under her breath. Watches as she lifts up the corner of the gauze. Watches as she looks away with her eyes closed.

"What is it, Dottie?" She can't help the tremor in her voice. If the other girl noticed, she doesn't voice it.

"She's sweating too much. The bandages are just going to trap that moisture under them and it could lead to infection. But we don't have enough supplies to risk taking them off."

***

She watches Toni's face twitch as she gently wipes down her side. The second time had the other girl squirming, the muscles in her stomach clenching slightly.

"Stop that." Shelby nearly drops the shirt when the words register. After a week of nothing and those are the first two things of her mouth? The heat must be getting to her because there's no way.

The next time she brushes against the girls side, brown eyes open and glare at her. The sheer absurdity of it has her nearly laughing. "Do not tell me you are ticklish."

Loud, annoying, brash Toni is ticklish. The same girl who spat insults at her could've easily been taken down by brushing against her side? Gosh, that's nothing but blackmail.

The brunette continues to glare at her, now flexing whenever she wipes along her ribcage. "If I had known you were ticklish, most of our arguments would've ended before they started."

"If you had known, you wouldn't be here to laugh about it." Toni's voice is rough and cracks after every other word, but right now it's the best thing the blonde has ever heard.

"Oh, was that supposed to scare me? Sorry, but at the moment you're about as intimidating as Fatin." If looks could kill Shelby would be dead three times over with the intensity that the brunette glares at her. She just gives Toni her best, _I'm hilarious and I know it_ smile and lays the t-shirt across the girls middle.

The basketball player just huffs, turning her attention towards the ceiling of the crude shelter. Taking it as silent permission, she grabs another of the t-shirts. When she turns back, brown eyes are focused on her.

"What?"

"Nothing, just trying to figure you out." The words aren't accusatory, they don't even really hold an emotion past gentle consideration.

She can't stop the scoff that leaves her. "Well, there ain't much to figure out." Gosh she hopes she sounded sure of herself. The thought of Toni knowing nearly causes her breathing to pick up.

When she looks back up, the brunettes eyes have softened. Like she knows something. Like she knows the blonde is nothing but a liar and a sinner. Yet, her eyes only hold understanding.

"Maybe not," she agrees, "but even then, won't it be fun to see what I can?" Shelby would be lying if she said anything other than yes. Even then, her fear stops her.

"I'm not the biggest fan of being psychoanalyzed." Once again she's staring at her hands. Staring at them like they hold the secret to life itself. Like they could tell her what she needs to do.

"Is anyone?"

She takes too long to respond. Too long to sort her thoughts enough to give any legible response.

"Guess not."

And just like that it's silent again. Gosh how the blonde is starting to hate it. Hates how it gives her time to think. Time to think of every single situation she can to build her hate of herself.

"Shel-"

"I shou-"

Gosh when did she become so awkward? She can feel the blush on her face as she ducks her head in embarrassment. Luckily Toni just murmurs out a soft, "you go first," so she doesn't have long to get into her head.

"I should let you rest." If the other girls expression falls, the blonde doesn't show any sign of seeing it. She doesn't want to see the hurt she's causing the brunette.

With that she stands, brushing the sand from off her pants. She doesn't look back at Toni as she starts to walk away. It's only the cry of her name that has her turning.

"Please, Shelby." In the short amount of time on the island, she can safely say she's never heard the other girl beg. Especially not for her to stay. If anything Toni should be begging for her to just disappear.

"Please." Shelby can feel the final string of her resolve snap. Can feel herself caving. Caving to this stupid girl who doesn't know the first thing about self preservation.

It's only when she's close enough that she feels a callused hand cradle her jaw, feels the way it gently guides her closer...

...she's- Toni is- Toni is kissing her. Toni is kissing her and she's kissing Toni back.

The kiss itself is gentle, nothing like the war of thoughts passing through the blonde's head. The brunette isn't demanding. She doesn't push harder, doesn't force anything more than what she gets in return.

It's only when Toni attempts to get into a better position and let's out a small gasp of pain that Shelby snaps back. The brunette notices the change immediately, backing off as well.

A few seconds pass before everything clicks in the basketball players head. Her eyes widen in fear and shock and she's leaning backwards.

"Crap! Frick, Shelby, I didn't think."

"I- it's... It's fine," she barely manages to stutter. "I'm just, I'm just gonna..." she gestures vaguely behind her. Not even sure herself where she's going. All she knows is that she can't stay there.

She ignores Toni yelling after her, ignores the pain in her heart as she leaves. Ignores every thing besides the burning, the words that scream nothing but, _"sinner"_ inside her head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all don't think of me as someone who will give you consistent chapters in terms of how well I write them. Cause it ain't gonna happen


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry this update took so long. School was kicking my butt. Also, sorry if it feels rushed at some points, but drags on for others. So, if I missed any plot holes or parts don't make sense, please let me know.

The sun is resting on the horizon when she gets back. Martha and Fatin are playing Uno with Toni in the shelter, Rachel and Nora are sitting off to the side talking, Dot is placing sticks onto the fire while Leah writes away into one of the journals.

She's not ready to confront the kiss yet. So, she makes her way over to the last pair. Leah notices her approach and gives her a small smile before turning back to the pages.

None of them say anything. Shelby doesn't think she has anything to say. There's no way people don't know about the kiss. Even if they hadn't seen it, somebody had to have said something about it.

It's only when she's sat against the log does she remember the jacket- _Toni's jacket_ \- that she found yesterday.

"Hey, Dottie," the other girl nods, not turning towards her, "do you know where the jacket that was here went?"

"Uh, yeah. I think Nora tied it to a tree to help dry it out."

"Thanks." She doesn't ask Nora where it is, not wanting to interrupt whatever conversation she was having with her sister.

***

"Here." Her hand is shaking slightly as she holds the jacket out. All three girls look at her, Martha and Fatin looking at each other after before standing. Toni doesn't look at them, just lets her attention shift between the blonde and the jacket in her hands.

Her hand is shaking worse than Shelby's as she finally takes it. If her muttered, "thanks" sounds choked neither of the girls pay it any mind.

It's only when the blonde has turned away, ready to leave the girl in peace that Toni finally speaks up.

"Shelby, wait. Can we talk about what happened yesterday?" And screw her if the look on Toni's face doesn't affect her. The other girl looks downright terrified, like somehow the world is going to collapse from around her.

"There's nothing to talk about," her voice comes out harsher than she intends and she ignores the flash of hurt that crosses the brunettes face; the way her shoulders jump towards her ears. "Because what happened was you kissed me, and that was it."

"But you kissed me back!" This time it's the blondes turn to flinch. She looks around, hoping that no one is watching them, not ready to admit it to herself, let alone them. "You kissed me back, and suddenly, I'm the bad guy." This situation shouldn't be as familiar as it is. The ache in her chest and the way her palms start to sweat shouldn't be familiar.

"I pity you Toni. I really do." She has to look away, has to look away from whatever look would confront her from the other girl. "You're a parasite. You suck all the good from everybody just so you can feel a shred of that your life means something."

She can feel her own heart shredding itself to pieces in her chest.

The other girl is silent and Shelby can't decide if that's better or worse. Because maybe she wants the anger; the fight. Maybe she wants the other girl to yell and tell her that she's nothing but a liar.

But it doesn't happen.

Her laugh is bitter, no semblance of humor anywhere within it. "Maybe that's why you need those pills. You're too messed up in the head to ever function without them."

It's still silent, only Toni's harsh breathing filling the space. The blonde waits, waits for the moment the time bomb that is Toni Shalifoe goes off.

"Maybe that's why your daddy left you. He took one look at you and decided you weren't worth the effort." She imagines her words like a knife. A knife that somehow slipped through the armor around Toni's heart.

"Shut up." If only she knew how much the blonde was screaming it at herself.

"I mean your mom turned to drugs over taking care of you." The knife is now a little deeper, the defense and armor crumbling down from around it. "I mean who's to say it wasn't your fault from the start."

"I said shut up."

"Even Martha has started to separate herself from you." The killing blow. A fatal attack that doesn't have a chance of ever healing, and Shelby delivered it.

The silence that follows is solid; a near tangible weight in the air. Her heart rate picks up, feeling as if a bucket of ice has been poured over her. But all she can really feel is her hate for herself. Hate herself for how she treats other people.

"Get the hell away from me." The words are spoken with such clear disdain Shelby can almost touch it. They're not yelled, not said in a fit of rage. No, the other girl is unnaturally calm. It's only when the blonde looks up does she realize there are tears streaming down Toni's face.

She went too far. Went too far the moment she said that it was nothing. Too far doesn't even begin to describe where she's put herself. The knife in her own heart presses a little deeper.

***

She's surprised no one bothers her. They just leave her alone around the bend of their broken little home.

The ocean is calm for once, just the occasional wave being large enough to fold over itself. So, very different from the war zone going in inside herself.

Where the ocean is beautiful and serene, she's ugly and bitter. Everyone loves the ocean, but no one could possibly love her.

Where the ocean is calm, she's just a barely held together disaster waiting to happen.

But they forget to tell you about what the ocean is capable of. What havoc it can cause. The lives it can ruin.

They forget to tell you how quickly it can change on you. How a fun day on the beach can end in heartbreak and sorrow.

They forget to tell you what lurks behind those blue ocean waves. The life that has already staked it's claim and that won't give it up without taking something for itself.

Because while the ocean gives and it gives, and they take and they take, eventually their dues will be paid. They just never expected it like this.

She picks up on the sound of yelling, loud and panicked. One voice cracks in a way that can only be Leah while the rest create a cacophony of noise indiscernible from the others.

Her feet can barely find purchase on the sand as she gets to her feet. Coming around the bend she notices that everyone is gathered at the edge of the beach. All of them looking at something she can't see.

It's only when a wave forms that holds a distinct red hue that everything slides into place. Somethings wrong and both Nora and Rachel are missing.

On the surface the ocean is calm, but underneath the surface she knows the picture is different. The amount of red in the water was concerning by itself, but knowing that two of the girls were still out there was worse.

Nora's head pops up moments later, Rachel right after. Shelby realizes that the former is the only one keeping them above the water. She can't tell if the older twin is conscious or not, but she finds herself praying that she is.

Once they're close enough to shore, Leah and Fatin run forwards to drag both sister's out of the wake. Nora seems to be fine, physically at least. It's with a sinking gut that she realizes from forearm down, Rachel doesn't have an arm.

Dot is yelling at them all, trying to get any sort of hold on the situation. Yelling at them to grab the medical bag and any of the clothes they're not currently wearing.

Meanwhile Leah is holding a near hysterical Nora back from running to her sister. Nearly yelling that she needs to calm down; that panicking won't help anybody.

Shelby doesn't think that there's anyone there that's not panicking. For how collected she seems, her hands give her away with how hard they shake.

They shake as they release the belt from around her waist. Shake as she attempts to tighten it around Rachel's bicep. The girl moans out in pain as she does so, nearly bucking in an attempt to loosen it.

"Dottie!" The girls head snaps up from where it was nearly inside the medical bag. Her eyes are wide and Shelby can safely say she's never seen her so afraid.

Dot scrambles to her feet, bag securely clasped in her hands as she runs over to them.

"We're going to have to cauterize it."

"What? Dot we don't have any-"

"We have the axe, but if you have any other ideas please let me know before Rachel bleeds out all over this beach."

"Do it." Nora's voice is hoarse, but determined. She's stopped fighting Leah, but Shelby can see a few tears slip down her cheeks. "There's a better chance of survival with it."

Dot nods, shaking. Her eyes are wide in fear as she tells Martha to grab the axe. She's pale, like she's on the cusp of passing out. Still, she takes a deep breath and holds it. When she releases it, the blonde can see a new resolve fill her.

"We need to wait for the blade to heat. While we're doing that, somebody find a stick thick enough that Rachel can't bite through it."

"I'm going to be sick." And Shelby doesn't blame Leah. They're all covered in blood, how the human body has so much, she doesn't know.

It's only when she looks down and she can't see where they're actually going to cauterize the wound that her brain snaps into gear. "We gotta clean the area. I know it won't do much, but you have to be able to see the wound."

"Her arm is gone, Shelby, _gone._ The whole thing is wound." Dot hides it well, but they can all hear the fear underlying her words. Heck, she's surprised the girl hasn't started panicking.

"Guys, I think the axe is ready." Martha sounds about as scared as the rest of them feel. And sure enough when she pulls the blade out of the fire it's glowing.

"Everyone take a limb. We need to hold her as still as possible." So, they all take a spot, herself and Fatin holding Rachel's upper arms and shoulders down, while Leah and Martha grab her legs. Nora all but drapes herself across her sisters torso, but it's the best they can do.

The sound the blade makes as it presses against the wound is one Shelby doubts any of the girls will forget. That along with the drawn out scream of pain the diver releases past the stick in her mouth.

When Dot pulls the axe back, the blood on Rachel's arm is scorched and black, same as on the blade. She hardly registers Leah standing and walking away, barely registers when Fatin stands a moment later, and walks in the same direction.

No, all she can focus on is the way the girls eyes are glazed over with pain. The way her whole body shakes so hard that she starts piling the sand around her.

There's a commotion behind her, but she writes it off as Leah finally making good on being sick. But when Martha yells, "Toni? Toni!" with nothing but fear in her voice suddenly the panic increases tenfold.

Fatin reaches her first, rolling Toni onto her side before any of the other girls have a chance to get off the ground. "Don't do this, Shalifoe. Come on."

It's only when Shelby is close enough that she notices that the basketball player is choking. Her body near convulsing with the force of her coughing.

Suddenly all the blondes regrets flash in her head. Her regrets about Becca and Toni. Her regrets about ever letting the two think that they were any less than her.

But it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter when Fatin forces her fingers into Toni's mouth. It doesn't matter when the rest of them can only watch as the basketball players airway is finally cleared. It doesn't matter as she goes deathly still before expelling whatever was in her stomach onto the sand.

The only thing that matters is the shaky, panting breaths the girl takes.

***

It doesn't take long for them the figure out the only way to prevent another episode is if Toni isn't lying down.

"Shh, it's alright. You're alright." The contrast between the girls overheated skin and the rock behind her was enough for Shelby to stay awake.

Even if Toni hadn't been shaking, hadn't gone from gasping for breath to hardly breathing at all. Just the thought of something happening was enough for her to keep her eyes open.

But the silence of the night meant thinking. Meant being in her own head until guilt had made its home in the center of her chest, pressing so hard against her diaphragm it was hard to breathe.

"I'm so sorry, Toni."

She places her temple against the other girls, ignoring the sweat, -the unnatural heat- from the other girl.

This was worse than the mussels, worse than the first few days after the brunette fell. Because at least then they could do something for it. But infection, they had nothing for infection.

Even if Rachel hadn't lost her arm, hadn't nearly bled to death on the sand. Gasping and shaking in shock as she desperately tried to reach across herself for her missing limb. they still couldn't have done anything.

Now they have two girls down. One worse off than the other, but neither with a great chance of survival with the supplies they have.

It's just barely breaking dawn when she hears hushed whispers to her right. She can't grasp much of it, but what she can just sounds like a garbled mess of apologies.

Only the messy curls she knows to be Nora clues her in. The other girl is gently shushing her sister, murmuring that it's okay while her hand finds a place on Rachel's shoulder.

It doesn't seem like the older twin is all there if the lack of stopping shows her anything. In fact the words seem to get more panicked, leading the girl to gasp around sobs.

She watches as Nora lies down, wrapping her arms around her sister as she continues to try and comfort her. "It's alright, Rach, it's okay."

It's minutes before she can't hear words, just soft gasps and sniffles from both girls. Her heart constricts against the feeling of that she was witnessing something she had no business in.

***

"Let go of me." The girl sounds exhausted, her voice cracking as her eyes flutter open. It reminds her of the mussels, back before she knew how Toni felt for her. It makes her feel sick to think that they're back to that point.

Toni dying while her hate for her ran so hot she was nearly steaming.

"No." The other girl must realize she's in no state to move by herself so she turns her head away.

"Assumed you were the type who thinks being gay is contagious." The words are barely loud enough to hear. However, Shelby can feel the way the girl gasps on the last word. The way her chest lurches against her own.

She only barely moves fast enough to get the brunette facing the ground before she's dry heaving. There's nothing in her stomach, the blonde knows. Not even water, so when the bile finally comes up she winces in sympathy.

"That's it, just get it out."

"Piss off." The words are slurred slightly, no real bite behind them. The girl is nearly passed out again in her arms. So, she doesn't argue when she's pulled back to rest against the blonde.

Toni's eyes are nearly rolled up in their sockets, her head lolling against Shelby's shoulder.

A gentle hand on her other shoulder has her looking up to find Nora. The girl looks sheepish, eyes locked on the sand while her other hand flexes and unflexes against a blanket. She doesn't say anything as she balls up said blanket and slides it behind Toni's head.

The blonde can't find the words to say as Nora steps back. All she can offer is a soft nod which the other girl returns with a small smile.

It's at times like these that Shelby wishes she was closer to her. It wasn't that they weren't friends, they just weren't as close as she wanted to be.

Toni's coughing has her attention sliding back to her. She hardly pays attention to Nora slipping away, hands fiddling with each other.

The brunettes eyes are clearer, still hazed over with fever, but clearer. She's looking around the shelter, and Shelby can see the moment her eyes lock on Rachel. The moment they slide to her missing arm.

The blonde can see the question forming in the other girls head. It has her explaining, "shark attack" before the other girl can open her mouth to ask. All she gets is a nod before the brunette looks up towards the ceiling of the shelter.

"Toni... I-" the other girls attention slides to her, eyes gaining a harsher edge. Instead of trying to find the words to explain, or even to apologize she just does the thing she's wanted to do ever since she left the day before.

Toni's lips are unnaturally warm and chapped, but that doesn't deter her as she presses closer. The brunette doesn't react for a few seconds, and Shelby thinks she's going to pull away. Instead she feels the other girl start to kiss back.

It's not enough, it will never be enough, but for now. It's all she can give and she hopes it suffices.

She knows she's damaged, knows she has a lot of baggage to unpack, but using it as hate against another person isn't an option. Her dad isn't here to send her away, isn't here to make her feel guilty for falling in love with this girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of what I had planned to write, but if you want to see more, let me know. I have an idea for a chapter or two of them off the island, but once again that is up to you.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I really don't know what I'm doing with this fic. It'll probably be around three to four chapters.
> 
> The story will include stuff from the show, but it'll be in different places. Mainly for plot.


End file.
